The first Janet I ever knew was one of twins, Janet and Philip S they were in my infant class at fir tree junior school, around 1972, They didn’t look alike as of course they were not identical twins (they have to be the same sex to be identical, I did spend 20 minutes explaining this to a twin once, splitting eggs and spitting feathers by the time I had finished, but lacking knowledge should never be something to be ashamed of, not listening in biology is another matter entirely!) Anyway Janet S was nice, she occasionally teamed up with me when we did PE, there was another set of “non identical twins” and they were called Jennifer and Philip K.
That done, there was Janet B, she didn’t have a dad, and someone called her a “bastard” once not in an unkind way but I think it hurt her just the same, I asked my brother that evening when I helped him with his paper round and he explained that a bastard was someone who didn’t have a dad, which biologically speaking is pretty impossible (unless you think about the whole Mary and Joseph thing or was that different like an immaculate conception? I don’t remember them having a wedding though) anyway mike said it was more to do with a dad that didn’t stay around and admit to it.
Anyway Janet B had a cruel streak, maybe not a typical trait of the other Janet’s I have collected along the way. I walked home with her once we took a short cut over a building site and three was another girl out of my class called Julie B, Janet threw some stones at her and pretended it was someone else, then Julie lost her footing and fell, her right arm was at a funny angle and I admit I joined in the laughing, Janet B ran off and I helped Julie up whilst she gave me dirty looks like I betrayed her (which I did) I took her home and when her mum asked what had happened Julie just said she fell, and her mum thought I was this kind person (which I wasn’t). I had a strange uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach that night and felt even worse when I found out the next day that poor Julie had been taken to A and E and was now in plaster with an arm broken in two places.
The feeling I had I learnt much later was called remorse, this feeling got much worse by being pointed out and thanked for “helping her home” after the incident. Strangely enough Janet B had no remorse and still thought it funny; I never walked home with her again. It was the first time I had come into contact with someone whom I now know was a “sociopath” (god bless my nightschool class at Peel Moat, Heaton Moore, how else would I be able to categorise people so easily?) of course I was to rub shoulders with many over the course of the years, spotting one quickly is an excellent skill I have, naming them publicly I have never done unless you count this. I mean sociopaths and not janets.
I am glad to say, no other Janet’s could be categorised in such a way. My next Janet was Janet D, I knew her from school she was a couple of years above me, she had a beautiful face not unlike “Jennifer Hart”, in Hart to Hart, she was voluptuous, not a skinny Minnie like I was, she had curves where I had bones, I was fascinated, though not surprised when I saw what was in their fridge on going to her house for tea. It was full of all the luxury things people generally only had at Christmas or on a special occasion, all the time. Easter in their house, was a mantle piece full of eggs, and they were generous with all they had, I remember tucking in with her mum and sister whilst her dad played on his new bontempi organ, it was a jolly happy greedy little house on a new estate in Reddish and I loved it. This same Janet later enrolled for a hairdressing course at Stockport College and started doing my hair; the highlights she put in made my boring Norma Jean mousy brown hair glamorous. It was often mentioned I resembled Kim Wild, of course this was the early 80’s and I had the mullet to prove it. It didn’t matter what I ate I was still a size 10 in those stretch denims, my dad said I looked like Max Wall.
There were a few lean years with no Janets to speak of until 1988. Me and hubs to be bumped into his old school make Jim Mck and his lovely wife Janet McK, at the Barton Air Show, we took one look at each other and had matching bumps, I was due on 1st October of the same year and she was due on 18th of the same month. As we sat on the grass watching the red devils do their stuff. We were invited round to their house midweek for our tea, they lived on a new estate in Davyhulme, they had a lovely garden and seemed “very grown up” to me, who just threw meals together and hoped for the best, her freezer was all neat and tidy, with meats at the bottom and frozen vegetables. We had Vienna steaks, frozen baked potatoe halves with cheese on (very Iceland) and mixed veg, she even had garlic bread in that freezer too! Oh yes I could learn a lot from this one, who was in fact very brown, and I knew a holiday was not the cause, as I had sat with her on the airfield in Eccles not three days before, when I asked she said I go brown quickly, my dad is Maltese, her dad was also a triplet, it has never left me, what an excellent title for a story “The Maltese triplet”, Wonderful. I had my first baby, Lee on 30th September 1988 and she had Michelle her first on 17th October, mine slept and ate and didn’t cry too much, didn’t mind being left with a babysitter and hers didn’t do any of those things, but could hold her breath like I have never seen, until her lips went blue. I did think “they must be doing something wrong”, well that came back to bite me on the ass when I welcomed my longed for little girl almost five years later (that’s another story). I liked this Janet very much, she could drive and although only 6 years older than me at seemed like a real proper grown up I wasn’t really a grown up, I had a house, a mortgage and a baby but I was still reading just 17 and watching the children’s programmes in the afternoon, children’s ward, Byker Grove.
Their was a gap before I met the next Janet, Janet Denny (or Janet of The Denny as she became known) It was 1998 and just gone back to work at the now defunct University of Manchester Institute of Science and Technology or UMIST as it was then known (all signs of its existence removed after the merger in 2000, although I still have a mug lurking somewhere in the back of a kitchen cupboard – I can picture myself taking it to an antiques road show in the future, of course they will say “it has a sentimental value but not a monetary one” – story of my life).
I knew I liked Janet Denny when after a week or so someone brought a baby in and she put her little finger to the corner of her mouth and said “I think I shall call him Minnie me”, oh yes I had met a likeminded humorous companion, she made me smile from ear to ear. She knew all the words to Stand and deliver, by Adam Ant, which she sang whenever I wore my black knee high boots, and another time I heard her singing “My lovely Horse”, from father Ted, I have tremendous admiration for this Janet, maybe more than any other, which some may say is wrong I should like all the Janet’s equally.
On the 1st April 2008, the next chapter in my working life began; surely no one finishes their previous job one day, goes for an interview the next (on April fools day to boot) and actually lands the job. Well I did, and a month later on my first day at work when introduced to the team, was more than a little pleased to find a Janet (no office is complete without one) So Janet, like it or not you are and will be forever in my collection.
In conclusion I would have to say that Janets are as good for you today as they have always been, no added preservatives and very possibly containing Omega 3.
- obviously with the exception of Janet B, last seen coming out of the ladies public toilets with a much older man and getting into a ford Cortina this was circa 1983, the summer of, and taking in this information sent a shiver down my spine, I had to put my wrangler back on.
That’s all
Mahoo
