How to be the Life and (Ar...) Sole of the Party

Pace yourself

Make sure you have a really busy day leading up to the much looked forward to night out....

My own personal suggestions are trying to fit in a visit to your mother, an eye test, three loads of washing, the dryer going constantly, a call out from British gas to inspect an intermittent fault on your (soon to be condemned central heating boiler) a weekly shop without a list , and then home for

Getting Ready

Realise you havent actually allowed any time for this and apply heavy dark eyes for a smoky eye effect and red lips accentuated firstly with a lip liner a different colour from the lipstick, to get you into the Party mood throw down two very large glasses of red wine on an empty stomache.


Arrive late


Say around 10.00 pm, Decide to drink the homemade punch ....... and say way too many times “so this represents at least 3 of my 5 portions a day (to anyone who will listen)

Get Chatty

If you feel intimidated by speaking to strangers, drink two more glasses of punch and then grab a huge glass of red wine from any table and seek people out who you vaguely know from conversations with your host throughout the previous 3 years and make comments such as:


“So you decided to stay together after all”


“Oh you’re the one whose wife gets really jealous if she sees you talking to another woman”


“I haven’t brought my husband he hates social gatherings”


Continue to drink........ red wine like a thirsty toddler guzzles vimto at a picnic, and carry on until your lips have a black residue on them....which should go perfectly with your bloodshot eyes and smoky eye shadow.


Eating


When the birthday cake comes round, help yourself to a massive piece, and don’t bother to remove any candles first, after all you’ve made that many faux pars all etiquette can go straight out the window.


Leaving

Be one of the last ones to leave, by now your host must be desperate for a cup of tea and their own bed, but their subtle hints such as “shall I ring you a cab” go unheaded, seriously they would need to write you a note which you wouldn’t be able to read as your vision is as if you have just got off the waltzers at the funfair.

Being Collected

Your kind hearted grown up son comes to collect you, make him seriously concerned you may throw up on his beautiful upholstery, manage to make it into your own hall before vomiting on your dress, spend the next thirty minutes throwing up into your own sink (minus the pots) and giving a running commentary along the lines of .... I don’t remember eating that as your first born rubs your back.......... just in case you haven’t taken enough risks with your health and social standing have a shower before drying yourself and going to bed.


The morning after


The next day will be a total right off and if you manage to get into work at all on t he Monday/Tuesday you may live by Wednesday you realise you have been face book shunned and two people who suggested a coffee and a catch-up one lunchtime are not replying to your emails......

Conclusion:

This story isn’t so funny after all is it.

IKEA

Dear Peeps

If anyone was in IKEA yesterday and saw a sign for an item called GORMLESS i admit It was me, I saw GORM and i wrote LESS on the end with the free pencil. Its wrong and childish but it did make me laugh almost as much as an episode of Harry Hill.

I always hesitate when there is a trip to IKEA, it messes with my head all those odd names, you see in houseing units of hollinwood (runner up in my shopping experience list) things are named properly, Oakly and Regal, in John Lewis (top on my shopping experience list) things are called Stafford and Brinkley.

In Ikea you really want the coffee table but its called Klimflokt, and the coasters are call nim, thankfully the book cases are called BILLY, and I am sure thats one of the reasons its their best seller. We bought a floating shelf call LACK and its in our bedroom waiting to be fitted to the wall under the oval mirrow, which doesnt have a name (thank god) anyway the unit my hubs is putting together now, whilst listening to the beach boys for inspiration is called MOLGER. God knows why its only a unit, theres non of this in B and Q, does anyone know what B and Q stands for?


Flunk, bink, Effling, no there not other names of items from Ikea thats what I can hear from down stairs from my hubs who is struggling to find where to put the screws into the Molger.

Laters

M

Innocent Veg Pots

Wednesday came along and at 12.00 noon I got the call from the Innocent Veg Pot Coordinator (what an ace job title), she said she would be delivering a variety of 12 veg pots in the next 10 minutes and a cry from the office of Hurrrah! went up, as we were pretty damn hungry....

So down I went to meet the courier and hot footed it back to the office microwave and we sampled a pot each, as silence and the waft of bombay curry, chickpea daahl, mousaka and morocan spice floated around the office we all decided that actually there was a thing such as a free lunch and we were enjoying it.

I may just have been the only applicant who saw the footnote that read "does your office deserve a free lunch? courtesy of veg pots just email us your office details and a mobile number and if your lucky enough, blah blah blah.... yes thats how easy it was.

The good thing about the veg pots is they are the equivalent of three of your five daily portions, so that plus two glasses of red wine and your sorted....... except I am never drinking again remember..............

Mahooo

Hungover

I admit it, I didnt just cross the line I threw up on it (Homer Simpson 1998)

Funny

Dear Lesley (my one and only blogg follower, you deserve a personal mention)

Its been a funny old week, I have won a Harris Tweed jacket for a man, the man in question, didnt know what to think when we perused the website that Lorna the Harris Tweed prize coordinator directed us, see for yourself on www.harristweedscotland.com.
The jacket in question is a beautiful hand made affair and comes complete with leather buttons and a mahogany handmade coathanger (which will put all the next/burtons coathangers to shame), all we have to do is measure him up in inches and let Lorna have the correct measurements and within 6-8 weeks the Dalmore blue harris tweed jacket will arrive, its worth £250, and yes hubs did say "can we not just have the money", honestly just because my prizes are random, doesnt mean they shouldnt be fully appreciated.

Now the other thing I won this week is a pair or jeans, t shirt and handbag by a brand called Apple Bottom by Nelly, the Nelly in question being a rap artist.

The jeans and clothing line has been developed to accentuate a womans natural curve, I am not sure what effect this will have on me, as the models on the website look voluptuous and hooker like and everything looks fairly bling, but you know what after that stone I lost I need new jeans and will wear em whatever, the strap line on the website says " jeans will make you want to shake that booty all night long", well I dont know about that.

Lastly, I know they say there is no such thing as a free lunch but......

tomorrow the people behind the innocent smoothies are dropping off 10 innocent veg pots at our office. I promise some snaps of this and of course the tweed jacket and me in me bling jeans. for the moment you will have to make do with a picture of a very rude tomatoe grown by my own fair hands this summer, I did eat him even though it felt very wrong (especially with two work colleagues watching me) it was never like that on the good life i am sure.......