written off car and wrecked front door

One Written off car.............

Hubs car is a pristine pergeot 406, ten years old (almost bionic with the amount we have spent in new parts) and worth much more to us (no car loan outstanding) than it would be if it was written off like it was this week. It started with a clock that wont tell him the correct time on the dashboard, I would have left it and maybe sellotaped an old watch on the dashboard but then I am not Hubs (perfectionist aint in it) he finished work early and drove to the usual pergeot garage on his way home, and wham someone behind him and not watching what they were doing has driven into the back of him, apologetic and fed up as the guity party was it wouldnt bring our beloved car back. So the trip the the garage ended up being one to force the boot to close and the clock on the dashboard became unimportant. He started the process of reporting the incident immediately, and said apart from a head ache that wouldnt go didnt appear to have any injuries. The next morning he could barely get out of bed althought the headache had gone (thanks co-codomol).

Pierced Septum.....

While all this is going on little feck who cares not a jott about anyone else (its getting worse) in planet feck all that matters is feck related things. this week its" getting her septum piered", I must admit i said no before i realised what a septum was ((I figured it couldnt be anything i would approve of as the nostrol and both ears are already pierced (one stretched to an 18 whilst we were away on holiday). I knew good old fashioned forbidding wouldnt work so i used santa and said "if you have anything pierced or tattoed you can forget christmas presents", I know its lame but i dont have a lot to play with hear.

This didnt go down well in planet feck and after a scream she slammed the door so hard the whole front of the house shook, and what made this much worse was that our beautiful double glazed door had three of the locks out so now it wont shut properly. All this before i have had a morning cuppa really is too much. So now as well as being without a car, having to get the written off one collected and take delivery of a temporary car, I also have to sort out my front door too and all in the lead up to christmas.

Self Help Books..... (the only thing they help is the author make money and the rest of us feel like loosers)

I am gutted about the bad teenager thing as I have just finished reading "Whatever "a book about teenagers.

Tattoes and piercings - the law on tatts and piercings is that it is illegal for a person under 18 to have one done, hmmmn now thats funny seeing as when i went on holiday in june and left my young person in the care of an old person of pensional age she got on the 256, walked down oldham street and into aflecks palace and had her nose done and her ear stretched into a fleshole( i think she is an axxhole for doing this but hey what do i know)

Why do i always think there is a book out there to help me with things, learning to knit is one thing but children of any age, well it can only be written about if it has all the makings of a horror filme i.e. Damien.....

aparently I should "encourage my young person to use washable tattoes and instead of piercings have a look at the many fake ones out there, yeah this book is fake.

other books i have been disapointed with include a childbirth book by Shiela Kitzinger or something like that, she said you can have a baby without needing to resort to drugs (what! get me as many as is humanly possible i feel like i am passing a bowling ball!) and what about Miriam middle class Stoppard assuring me that i could freeze my placenta to eat at a later date, i am sorry miriam it looked like a raw haggis and even in these credit crunchy times, i would rather eat smartprise sausages and 8pence noodles.... now saving it to feed to fecky and her vegetarian friends brings a smile to my face just thinking about it and assuring them that despite the meaty taste its actually made from a very exclusive and expensive protein made from bean curd and only available at Selfridges food hall.

thats it i am off to drink alcohol now Mahooooooo

Frank Spencer saves the day

I am on the met into work when i figure out why it is i havent worn this skirt in ages, the zip is knackered, i can feel the teeth trying to cling on the zip its going to go, now if i can just get into work i think i have a safety pin in my desk (lord knows i have everything else, it would be my real "monica" moment if anyone where to find out i am not that organised after all!) when i get in and have another look at the zip i find one of the teeth is askew and i had meant to attend to it the last time i wore it. No safety pin, i shall have to go to abakan habberdashers at the top of oldham street at lunchtime, i could do with the walk anyway, so i make my way up there at 12.10pm, i buy a strip of buttons for a shirt, look round the crafts stuff and get some safety pins and some hook and eyes, if i dont fix the zip i can always put a couple of these on in stead.

It was then it happened, i was able to put my four day intensive first aid, at the red cross in salford into good use, a bus had come too fast round the corner and hit a pedestrian, i didnt actually see this, i heard the collective gasp of the ones who did and the accusations to the driver by the crowd, no one seemed to be attending to this woman so i was straight over there, she was conscious and breathing (always a good sign) her hubs was with her holding her head at an awkward angle, I bent down and asked her name, she appears to have bitten her tongue, hubs took his coat off and i folded it inside out and put it under her head, this is when i noticed a severe head wound. it was glugging blood, but i didnt feel the least bit squeamish i just followed the instructions i had been given on the training, i got her into the recovery position and we waited for the ambulance to come, a boy of about 20 had phoned for an ambulance from his mobile, i could hear the instructions he was being given and I had already done them all.

It was then i noticed how much blood i had on my right hand and mobile phone, after a good clean with antibactial handwash, it was then i realised i had forgotten my lunch.

what a day. oh yeah and lucky for me my skirt didnt fall down or it would have been like an episode out of some mothers do ave em, especially since i have been wearing a black beret.

Mahooo

Melted Knob

I got home, checked the beef bourginion (sliced beef, sliced mushrooms in a creamy shop bought sauce) and the beef was still tough, it seemed like a normal thing to do I turned off the slow cooker lifted out the earthen wear container and put it in the oven for an hour, well it was well and truly cooked when i checked it and we enjoyed it with new potatoes and peas, lovely.

However, i struggled to get the lid off the knob had melted. I kept quiet about this from hubbles, yes he thinks i am an arse anyway (remember off dick emery, "I got it wrong again Dad") all this was bad but the thing i might need councelling for was when i went to plan B (always have a plan B).. checked the morphy richards website, it had a phone line for everything from Toasters to slow cookers, so armed with the serial and model numbers, i rang, there then followed a 10 minute conversation with "Marjorie" from the slow cooker replacement parts and advice order line. I explained that i had melted my knob and that it was accidental but i had checked and now the knob had gone cold i reckoned i could get it off with a screw driver if she could send me a replacement it would be v much appreciated. I think marjorie thought it was a spoof call at first, but ordered with one and left me with the closing line of "Mrs Kenny i have ordered your replacment knob and it should be with you within 3-5 working days, if you have trouble unscrewing the old melted knob and attaching the new one dont hesitate to contact me again.

I feel grubby and thats for sure, i have checked the post each day and there is still no knob i just want to change the knob, forget this ever happened and put it all behind me.

Normally to discuss such things and know the operators first name it costs more than the standard rate. So I am told.

Vegas

The day started quite well, I occused big feck of not cleaning his teeth before leaving for work and he sent me a text back telling me in no uncertain terms that he had and its my own oral hygene i should watch............

The week was gong to be a damn busy one, Joe Bonnamassa on the monday, Extreme on tuesday and that should have been enough nights out and rocking for two over 40's, the competition fairy was out in full force and at 5.10pm I received a phone call from a v shocked hubs telling me that Rachel from Sky sports had been on to tell him that he had won flights, accommodation and two tickets to watch the Hatton fight in ...... Vegas and what names should she have the tickets made out in? after a short discussion (i stopped briefly to polish my halo) it was decided big feck should acompany hubs to vegas. Rachel said everything would be sent by courier and to enjoy. Yes we are still on monday, Joe Bonammassa (I dont know how to spell it mm's and ss's whatever) was excellent and should consider taking it up full time if you ask me, he looked like a young peter fonda and played like the devil himself (maybe he sold his soul). The boys were still in shock the next morning when they realised it hadnt been a dream, but for us oldies it was concert number two, Extreme at the academy on oxford road, excellent and Nuno did indeed look like the years had been more than kind to him, after a few tracks he even plucked up the courage to remove his tank top (strange how most men i know would resemble frank spencer in a tank top, but not our nuno)... I admit i was rather thirsty shouting his name like a crazed beatles fan, i needed four pints of lager and my voice had gone. That brings us nicely to wednesday when i went to the bank and used my christmas club money to purchase dollars for the lucky kenny boys, the exchange rate wasnt as favourable as i would have liked but hey everything else was nought pence. The boys packed and checked lists and were releived when the package was signed for by our neighbour earlier in the day it contained : flight tickets, manchester to chicago, chicago to vegas going and vegas to manchester direct coming back, two hatton t shirts , accommodation information, staying for three nights in the MGM Grand, where the fight was taking place and two fight tickets with a face value of $500.00 each O M G.

I booked the taxi for 8.00am on the thursday morning and that was it until the following monday evening.

Hatton won, and over the weekend I cut out snaps and articles for the scrap book. When hubs and feck saw the fight they also saw Sly Stallone, Beckham and son, the gallagher brothers and many more... and I felt like I had been blessed yet again by the competition fairy... long may it continue.

Parole and Roast Dinners

Rain, rain and more rain....... Excellent no hangover which is pretty amazing considering i drank 13 units in all, consisting of:

1 Pint of peroni
1 Pint of fosters
1/2 pint of fosters
2 pints of non specified lager
2 bottles of Koperberg Pear Cider

I think the pint mug of tea on getting home at midnight and the four rounds of wholemeal toast with a thick layer of marmite might have something to do with the lack of renal failure, oh yeah and i had a pint of orange squash to wash down two co codamol tablets, i do think prevention is better than cure.

Little feck has served her sentence and was allowed out on parole today, her 7 days in almost solitary confinement were as difficult for us as her. I can cope with a bit of door slamming and name calling but the doors have glass inlays and i was sure they were going to shatter. I took other safety precautions too, like removing all medication and anything rope like, teenagers of the 14-17 year old variety are an odd bunch, they dont inhabit the same world proper grown ups do, in fact i would go so far as to say it could be on a par with some kind of mental illness , being a teenager that is.

Anyway at least she hasnt dyed her hair for five days, all i can think when i look at her is jimmy saville, thank god she isnt smoking cigars (well i dont think she is) or the comparisons could be made, which would upset her no end and make the fragile teenage mental health thing even more difficult, at present i am saying very little about the hair, even if big feck keeps singing coldplay "and it was all yellow"... she hasnt figured out its about her just yet.

I cooked a roast chicken and sweet potatoe and a savoy cabbage. I went to the freezer to find it wasnt quite as well stocked as i remembered, i had no aunt bessies mash or roast, i found something called crispies crunchy squares, the picture on the front of the bag wasnt promising and the fact that there was only about 12 of them wasnt encouraging, anyway creative problem solving got under way and the end result was passable, big feck snitched on me so he is in for chinese burn later when he isnt expecting it. I have to use the element of suprise in our fights these days as i know he will wup me otherwise, and with spring and summer coming soon i dont want my arms full of bruises.

Little feck has rejected the roast dinner option and is having her chicken on a sandwhich accompanied by a glass of milk. I should go and do that now but she will pinch my seat.

I think she may be feeling a bit better now she is out on parole the music we endured last week was hard to cope with, we are listening to james blunt at the moment, and you know he has got talent but what a flippin whingebag and what on earth does that song mean with the three angels just wanting to have some fun?????

So in case your interested about the roast dinner it included

Chicken, crispy crunchy squares, sweet potatoe, cabbage, and as there was space on the plates i put tinned carrots and tinned spuds (far too pale to have any real nutritional value) and not one but three yorkshire puddings, now the gravy was a bit pissy last week so this week with that in mind i put more granules in and it was way too thick, like some kind of chocolate sauc. The dreaded moment came when i had to take the dinners in on trays to Sean and Big feck, honestly you would think it was masterchef the way they carry on, trouble is they wont break me, i would be only too happy to be chucked off the show. I think they found the meal adequate. I am going now to have mine, but i may make fresh gravy as whats left in the gravy boat has set.

Mahoooo