How to be the Life and (Ar...) Sole of the Party

Pace yourself

Make sure you have a really busy day leading up to the much looked forward to night out....

My own personal suggestions are trying to fit in a visit to your mother, an eye test, three loads of washing, the dryer going constantly, a call out from British gas to inspect an intermittent fault on your (soon to be condemned central heating boiler) a weekly shop without a list , and then home for

Getting Ready

Realise you havent actually allowed any time for this and apply heavy dark eyes for a smoky eye effect and red lips accentuated firstly with a lip liner a different colour from the lipstick, to get you into the Party mood throw down two very large glasses of red wine on an empty stomache.


Arrive late


Say around 10.00 pm, Decide to drink the homemade punch ....... and say way too many times “so this represents at least 3 of my 5 portions a day (to anyone who will listen)

Get Chatty

If you feel intimidated by speaking to strangers, drink two more glasses of punch and then grab a huge glass of red wine from any table and seek people out who you vaguely know from conversations with your host throughout the previous 3 years and make comments such as:


“So you decided to stay together after all”


“Oh you’re the one whose wife gets really jealous if she sees you talking to another woman”


“I haven’t brought my husband he hates social gatherings”


Continue to drink........ red wine like a thirsty toddler guzzles vimto at a picnic, and carry on until your lips have a black residue on them....which should go perfectly with your bloodshot eyes and smoky eye shadow.


Eating


When the birthday cake comes round, help yourself to a massive piece, and don’t bother to remove any candles first, after all you’ve made that many faux pars all etiquette can go straight out the window.


Leaving

Be one of the last ones to leave, by now your host must be desperate for a cup of tea and their own bed, but their subtle hints such as “shall I ring you a cab” go unheaded, seriously they would need to write you a note which you wouldn’t be able to read as your vision is as if you have just got off the waltzers at the funfair.

Being Collected

Your kind hearted grown up son comes to collect you, make him seriously concerned you may throw up on his beautiful upholstery, manage to make it into your own hall before vomiting on your dress, spend the next thirty minutes throwing up into your own sink (minus the pots) and giving a running commentary along the lines of .... I don’t remember eating that as your first born rubs your back.......... just in case you haven’t taken enough risks with your health and social standing have a shower before drying yourself and going to bed.


The morning after


The next day will be a total right off and if you manage to get into work at all on t he Monday/Tuesday you may live by Wednesday you realise you have been face book shunned and two people who suggested a coffee and a catch-up one lunchtime are not replying to your emails......

Conclusion:

This story isn’t so funny after all is it.