Curry Capers in Swinton

This could end up getting me hung but hey ho…..

Meals out - now when the numbers hit more than 4 or maybe 6 at a push working the bill out is a piece of cake. Working a bill out with work colleagues is fairly easy too, generally it just gets split and rarely is anyone brave enough or sober enough to ask that killer question “who had all the brandies and espressos?” With family it can be a little trickier, take last night for instance…………

12 people, two teenagers who leave early after putting a minimum amount to pay for theirs (you know like keep that never quite pays for everything), at he start of the meal I clearly stated “how are we paying for this I don’t want a repeat of the twins 40^th at café Istanbul where we had to explain fractions and percentages (yes, really, all we would have needed was a blackboard and some chalk to make it look like a lesson) borrow a calculator and explain the difference between a tip and service charge. The staff would have been quite within their rights to recommend we go to Greggs the bakers on our next family gathering, anyway I digress.

On entering the Balti house in Walkden, I told the waitress we wanted separate bills, Me, Hubs and the two nanas would be one bill, the others were split into a five and a three. When our starters came I repeated my request, and even after the mains finally arrived (after well over an hour, more drinks was the suggestion of the waiter each time our eyes met, I so wanted to say “actually no our meal might be nice though”!) amongst friends I would have said this, but amongst family including mainly out-laws (in-laws) I kept quiet, but as a woman now progressing towards 50 I cannot give you a watertight promise I can keep it up.

When the bill finally came, yep it was one long bill, I stated that the best course of action would be to send the bill back and request three separate bills. This suggestion (it was an order on my part really disguised as a serving suggestion – don’t you just love them on the side of tins?, anyway that’s another story) No, no its find we can just go up and tell them what we have had, I was first up it went like this….

Five halfs of kingfisher

Two cokes

One pint of Carlsberg

8 poppadums with assorted chutneys

One lamb karahi

One buttered chicken

One special biriani

One Lamb Tandoori

Three pillau rices

One extra large nan bread

The waiter did try to put another three pilau rices on and said his calculater was playing up, but I am way too long in the tooth to fall for such tricks…

Total £49.00 rounded off with a very much undeserved but tip I paid £52.00.

All sorted for the Stretford branch of the Kenny family, or so I thought. Next up was the Wardley branch, who were only paying for three and that seemed to go well. Finally the Swinton branch got up and what started off a sedate affair at the top desk with the till, quickly got louder and was getting more attention than anyone should get in an eatery sorting out a bill, at a glance I saw disgruntled faces – about three. As we put our coats on, in a loud voice I heard one of our party say “are we leaving a tip” as one of the nanas started reaching for her purse I said “no, I have paid for ours and left a more than generous tip” another loud voice (you know if you have something to say, why wait until you don’t have an audience, why not just say it really loud, this must be the an old Eccles/Swinton custom – certainly not a Stockport Cheshire who I think have more etiquette) stated, “actually there was a short fall of £15.00 and we just had to pay it”. I so wanted to shout GOD BLESS US ONE AND ALL but even I knew this was neither the time nor the place, what a pity.

We then ventured in separate groups to the nearest pub, where we tried out best not to make eye contact with each other, I know various peace talks are on their way over the next few days and I may just veto them.

The local pub had a dance floor where I admit my mother and I strutted our funky stuff to Maggie May by the popular recording artist Rod Stewart but I could not bring myself to dance to I will survive, which seems an appropriate theme for the evenings shenanigans.

First I was afraid I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

And I spent so many nights feeling sorry for myself but I grew strong and I learnt how to get a long and now your back………..making me ill, splitting the bill, ive had my fill, any more and blood will spill, etc......

MahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooX