Apple Bottom Jeans

Dear Peeps

The other week (after losing a stone, did I mention I lost a stone?) my jeans were lose on me and I needed a belt - to stop them falling down and showing my builders bum. I spotted some, but as I was so wrapped up against the cold I simply couldnt be bothered trying them on so I left it, this was to be the right thing to do because.....

I got a phone call from a representative from The Perfume Shop, you know the one they have in the arndale when you have just spent £45 on a perfume and you see it in there for £32 and you feel suitabley gutted, yes that one. Anyway a while ago I had filled in a prize draw in there and won the runner up prize of

A pair of Apple bottom jeans
Apple Bottom T shirt
Apple bottom handbag

As I had to collect the package from the post office (they always try to deliver when I am at work, whats that about? shouldnt they have an evening shift or something) I carried onto work and opened the large box containing the above beautifully wrapped in tissue paper and a long gold ribbon. Wonderful, there is nothing like it

A colleague came and in when I showed her the jeans she started singing...

Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans
Boots with the fur
The whole club was lookin at her

I tried them on and they fit like a glove (which is a stupid saying as I only have two legs) the t shirt is fine too, the bag well after consultation with my teenage daughter who pulled a face like she had been sucking a lemon (not an apple) we may see if we can get anyone interested on ebay....

As the works christmas do is coming up soon at the Circle club I have changed the lyrics to

She had them Apple Bottom Jeans
the boots dont have fur
No one in the circle club is looking at her
She looks about 43 and is dying for a pee
if she drinks much more she'll lose her door key


Next week I should be taking delivery of the Bespoke Harris Tweed Jacket for sean

Aparently it will make him "ooze sophistication and style"

laters kids.......

How to be the Life and (Ar...) Sole of the Party

Pace yourself

Make sure you have a really busy day leading up to the much looked forward to night out....

My own personal suggestions are trying to fit in a visit to your mother, an eye test, three loads of washing, the dryer going constantly, a call out from British gas to inspect an intermittent fault on your (soon to be condemned central heating boiler) a weekly shop without a list , and then home for

Getting Ready

Realise you havent actually allowed any time for this and apply heavy dark eyes for a smoky eye effect and red lips accentuated firstly with a lip liner a different colour from the lipstick, to get you into the Party mood throw down two very large glasses of red wine on an empty stomache.


Arrive late


Say around 10.00 pm, Decide to drink the homemade punch ....... and say way too many times “so this represents at least 3 of my 5 portions a day (to anyone who will listen)

Get Chatty

If you feel intimidated by speaking to strangers, drink two more glasses of punch and then grab a huge glass of red wine from any table and seek people out who you vaguely know from conversations with your host throughout the previous 3 years and make comments such as:


“So you decided to stay together after all”


“Oh you’re the one whose wife gets really jealous if she sees you talking to another woman”


“I haven’t brought my husband he hates social gatherings”


Continue to drink........ red wine like a thirsty toddler guzzles vimto at a picnic, and carry on until your lips have a black residue on them....which should go perfectly with your bloodshot eyes and smoky eye shadow.


Eating


When the birthday cake comes round, help yourself to a massive piece, and don’t bother to remove any candles first, after all you’ve made that many faux pars all etiquette can go straight out the window.


Leaving

Be one of the last ones to leave, by now your host must be desperate for a cup of tea and their own bed, but their subtle hints such as “shall I ring you a cab” go unheaded, seriously they would need to write you a note which you wouldn’t be able to read as your vision is as if you have just got off the waltzers at the funfair.

Being Collected

Your kind hearted grown up son comes to collect you, make him seriously concerned you may throw up on his beautiful upholstery, manage to make it into your own hall before vomiting on your dress, spend the next thirty minutes throwing up into your own sink (minus the pots) and giving a running commentary along the lines of .... I don’t remember eating that as your first born rubs your back.......... just in case you haven’t taken enough risks with your health and social standing have a shower before drying yourself and going to bed.


The morning after


The next day will be a total right off and if you manage to get into work at all on t he Monday/Tuesday you may live by Wednesday you realise you have been face book shunned and two people who suggested a coffee and a catch-up one lunchtime are not replying to your emails......

Conclusion:

This story isn’t so funny after all is it.

IKEA

Dear Peeps

If anyone was in IKEA yesterday and saw a sign for an item called GORMLESS i admit It was me, I saw GORM and i wrote LESS on the end with the free pencil. Its wrong and childish but it did make me laugh almost as much as an episode of Harry Hill.

I always hesitate when there is a trip to IKEA, it messes with my head all those odd names, you see in houseing units of hollinwood (runner up in my shopping experience list) things are named properly, Oakly and Regal, in John Lewis (top on my shopping experience list) things are called Stafford and Brinkley.

In Ikea you really want the coffee table but its called Klimflokt, and the coasters are call nim, thankfully the book cases are called BILLY, and I am sure thats one of the reasons its their best seller. We bought a floating shelf call LACK and its in our bedroom waiting to be fitted to the wall under the oval mirrow, which doesnt have a name (thank god) anyway the unit my hubs is putting together now, whilst listening to the beach boys for inspiration is called MOLGER. God knows why its only a unit, theres non of this in B and Q, does anyone know what B and Q stands for?


Flunk, bink, Effling, no there not other names of items from Ikea thats what I can hear from down stairs from my hubs who is struggling to find where to put the screws into the Molger.

Laters

M

Innocent Veg Pots

Wednesday came along and at 12.00 noon I got the call from the Innocent Veg Pot Coordinator (what an ace job title), she said she would be delivering a variety of 12 veg pots in the next 10 minutes and a cry from the office of Hurrrah! went up, as we were pretty damn hungry....

So down I went to meet the courier and hot footed it back to the office microwave and we sampled a pot each, as silence and the waft of bombay curry, chickpea daahl, mousaka and morocan spice floated around the office we all decided that actually there was a thing such as a free lunch and we were enjoying it.

I may just have been the only applicant who saw the footnote that read "does your office deserve a free lunch? courtesy of veg pots just email us your office details and a mobile number and if your lucky enough, blah blah blah.... yes thats how easy it was.

The good thing about the veg pots is they are the equivalent of three of your five daily portions, so that plus two glasses of red wine and your sorted....... except I am never drinking again remember..............

Mahooo

Hungover

I admit it, I didnt just cross the line I threw up on it (Homer Simpson 1998)

Funny

Dear Lesley (my one and only blogg follower, you deserve a personal mention)

Its been a funny old week, I have won a Harris Tweed jacket for a man, the man in question, didnt know what to think when we perused the website that Lorna the Harris Tweed prize coordinator directed us, see for yourself on www.harristweedscotland.com.
The jacket in question is a beautiful hand made affair and comes complete with leather buttons and a mahogany handmade coathanger (which will put all the next/burtons coathangers to shame), all we have to do is measure him up in inches and let Lorna have the correct measurements and within 6-8 weeks the Dalmore blue harris tweed jacket will arrive, its worth £250, and yes hubs did say "can we not just have the money", honestly just because my prizes are random, doesnt mean they shouldnt be fully appreciated.

Now the other thing I won this week is a pair or jeans, t shirt and handbag by a brand called Apple Bottom by Nelly, the Nelly in question being a rap artist.

The jeans and clothing line has been developed to accentuate a womans natural curve, I am not sure what effect this will have on me, as the models on the website look voluptuous and hooker like and everything looks fairly bling, but you know what after that stone I lost I need new jeans and will wear em whatever, the strap line on the website says " jeans will make you want to shake that booty all night long", well I dont know about that.

Lastly, I know they say there is no such thing as a free lunch but......

tomorrow the people behind the innocent smoothies are dropping off 10 innocent veg pots at our office. I promise some snaps of this and of course the tweed jacket and me in me bling jeans. for the moment you will have to make do with a picture of a very rude tomatoe grown by my own fair hands this summer, I did eat him even though it felt very wrong (especially with two work colleagues watching me) it was never like that on the good life i am sure.......

Busy

In one week I have managed to prove without a shadow of a doubt that I am a lousy*

a) housekeeper

b) mother

c) daughter

d) **I have also managed to get myself blacklisted from a leading magazine testing panel. It’s not going well and aint that the truth!



Lousy Housekeeper - for the third week running there is the usual "socks reunited" fiasco where no one can find a mathing pair, the family us four are divided into two who care (Hubs and Son ) and two how dont care (Me and daughter) neither can understand the others point of view so its not exactly a tag team but it came close last night when I tried to argue that a navy sock with nike written in white was almost the same as a black sock with kickers written on it, i mean in the great sceme of things......

Lousy Mother - It’s my son’s birthday tomorrow and although I managed to get a manchester city birthday cake, there is a good chance I am about 12 years too late, you see my first born is actually turning 22 and the look of delight I am hoping for just isn’t going to happen, fortunately his other presents may get a smile (even if only briefly) what can I say, it’s taken all those years for the stars to align and for me to walk into Tesco’s and see said cake marked down. (Lousy Mother)

Lousy Daughter - it had been a full 8 days and although most days I had been meaning to phone my mum up for a chitchat and see what she has been up to by the time i had a free couple of minutes it was almost 10.00pm and too late to do so, then sleep then up then mamoth sandwhich making then comute then work, then home then tea, then socks reunited etc.... anyway I got a telling off which I would normally have taken but the week had been so manic and not of my causing I said "youve gotta be kiddin me", you have no idea how busy i have been etc....... hence a quiet rant from a woman who remembers being a child of 11 thinking that being grown up meant a choice between living with another fun girl as in The liver birds or living with a group of kids touring the country solving mysterys as in Scooby do, what I got was more like the munsters with less money no hired help having to go out to work full time....

and lastly, blacklisted from a major magazine as a lousy product tester, well this I describe as a misunderstanding (I say i describe it as such because they certainly wont ..... more on that story later, if any one posts and asks me, in fact as I only have one person who reads my blogg, Lesley, come on do you want to know?????